EDMONDS - "THIS IS ONLY THE START.."

Celebrity box bandit Noel Edmonds has today revealed plans to give Bristol a unique public transport system based on the popular television game show Deal Or No Deal.

Noel's bus lane antics have caused national media agencies to go wild, casting a showbiz lifeline to entertainment editors across the UK.

In an apparent partnership with parking activist Carol Vorderman, made famous in Bristol for her controversial views on parking restrictions, Edmonds plans to impose a system based purely on chance and requiring no skill whatsoever.

Their plans have already started to take hold, following acquisition of a local taxi firm now operating under the name Vorderman Cars, known locally as V Cars.

The system in place relies purely on numbered boxes, each holding a set of random destinations. Upon entering a V Cars taxi, passengers are required to eliminate boxes in order to find the destination they wish to travel to using an irritating and time consuming competition format.

We conducted a short interview with Edmonds following the announcement;
"This is only the start. The people of Bristol have been waiting for this kind of public transport system for years. At least if you are going to be stuck in a queue, you can enjoy a game at the same time. It has so many twists and turns, you just never know where you are going to end up."

"We have started with Taxi Or No Taxi but our next plan would be to introduce our own bus routes. Imagine, commuting into work but with the added challenge of competing with your fellow passengers and their desired destinations."

Edmonds explained how his taxi drivers were the best Bristol could wish for;
"Despite the trials and tribulations of being at the forefront of public transport in the city, they really are a great bunch of bankers. We make sure they get paid well, they don't ever come face to face with the passengers and they get a company phone as standard."

SEMI-EXCLUSIVE! TINCHGATE HITS BRISTOL

There were scenes of hysteria in Cabot Circus yesterday as teen bopping hip-hop Lord Tinchy Stryder descended on the popular shopping destination as part of a nationwide publicity stunt.

But eyewitness reports have discovered that his stunt double Pinchy Spyder was indeed the real star of the show. Pinchy, who started his showbiz career as a backing dancer for Craig David, was drafted in to act on Tinchy's behalf, a common solution in situations that are classed as hazardous or life threatening to the actual Tinchy Stryder.

Bristol Fashun sources have identified "funny goings on" in Tinchy Towers, with risk assessors performing a site recce early last week. In a Bristol Fashun exclusive, we can reveal concerns that gave Tinchy's record label, Island Records, no choice but to abort use of actual Tinchy Stryder.

Although the actual cause for concern cannot be determined, the course of action taken was to introduce an apparent hologram of actual Tinchy Stryder to ensure a performance of recordings from the artists could be heard by the 21,000 fans expected to attend.

Pinchy Spyder would then mingle with the crowds to offer a realistic point of contact with the audience, signing autographs and pouting for the press.

As technology progresses, this style of public performance is due to increase, for living and dead stars alike. Sony Music Entertainment are investigating ways to produce a hologram performance from The King of Pop, Michael Jackson. "It Was It" is rumoured to take place in 2010 at the o2 Arena in London.

Meanwhile we didn't ask for Tinchy Stryder, Pinchy Spyder, Island Records or Cabot Circus to comment. So they didn't.

BIKE CRASH HALTS ACCURATE JOURNALISM

The annual beach race in Weston-super-Mare caused a stir today with weekend freelancers across the city unable to accurately report the number of bikes involved in an accident that halted the race.

The occurrence is normally attributed to a lack of concentration on the job in hand, perhaps from applying for full time jobs or 'tweeting' about how great X Factor was last night.

BIKE COUNTS ACROSS THE CITY
Bristol Evening Post - 19
Star Radio - 18
BBC Bristol - "about 10"
The Weston Mercury - "Dozens.."
The Times Online - 21

Confused Bristolians are still waiting for a definite figure to be announced, some waiting up until the early hours for a glimmer of accurate, weekday journalism.

The beach race transforms the the seafront of Weston-super-Mare, with the iconic burnt pier providing a timely reminder of how dangerous the town really is. Following the incident, North Somerset Council are likely to ban future events from taking place, or restrict public viewing through the use of a barrier making attempts to watch the event hopeless.

A full investigation is due to take place tomorrow morning.